Pizzarrhea

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Pizzarrhea: the sudden onset of diarrhea by means of the consumption of pizza, be it bad or otherwise.
                                                                                         — urbandictionary.com
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I like spicy foods. I enjoy the fire of Indian, Thai, Korean and Mexican dishes. I pile on the chilis. I douse with Sriracha sauce. Habaneros? Bring ’em on. I can eat them without any intestinal consequence. It’s just “a little warmth.”

Bad Pizza is a different story. I can’t explain it, but there are certain brands of Bad Pizza that will have me doubled over in wrenching cramps. It’s predictable and it’s aways been that way. Why these and not other pizzas, I can’t say. Me and toxic pizza are like diabetics and certain foods; we must avoid them. Well, except for one, which I like, but I just have to prepare myself for a day of bathroom adventure.

 

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The absolute worst is Pizza Hut. It’s hard to get down and it is often harder to look at it. Regurgitation is always a possibility. Their Pan Pizza is a saucy colonic.

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Ex-Lax in disk form. Vinyl Torture Wheels. Cheap eats — we lived off them in college. No wonder I was so skinny.

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3/$10.00 specials you feed teenagers and other animals. The vivid orange-red grease should warn you of an upcoming gut calamity. Wear black underwear.

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I really like their pizza. Red Savoy’s is local chain reknowned for its spicy sausage. I will eat it if my friends want to go there for lunch. Symptoms are personal fermentation, odd noises and, well ‘pizzarrhea.’ I consider this a weight-loss food. 

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Other pizza (and I LOVE pizza) never gives me problems. Lucky for me I live with some great local choices (Cossetta, Punch, Green Mill, Woodfire, my own grill pizza) which are a trouble-free, coming and going.

Do you know of any Pizzarrheas? Tacorrheas? Hamburgerrheas?

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One comment

  1. The only pizzas I can’t eat is Pizza Hut, Dominos, and Little Cezars. My favorites are Cossetta, Punch, Green Mill (Cecillian), and Savoy from downtown St. Paul. I also like to take a frozen pizza and add thinly sliced onion, garlic, tomatos, and other ingredients left over in the frig, with extra cheese. Then put it on the grill with a chunk of hickory. Hmmm Hmmmm. Leftovers, I microwave then fry in a cast iron pan to crisp up the crust. Great way to eat leftover pizza.


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